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The End of a Long Road

Again it's been too long since I've updated this blog and I'm very sorry.  I should be able to update more often from here on out because the most strenuous part of this semester is over.  Next week is final exam-based so I will have no other things to worry about.

Tomorrow I am traveling down to Bloomington, Minnesota to visit the Mall of America and the IKEA store to do some Christmas shopping!  That should be a wonderful time.  Sunday will be my time with Joel, as usual; I'm looking forward to that.

The last real big bit of news might come as a bit of a shock to all of you:  I spoke with Troy on Thursday and I am planning to go back to the trans support group next Wednesday.  I'm going back on the premise that there's a lot of trust-building I have to do with the community and on the basis that I won't be there to make friends or maintain a connection for now.  With this in mind, I feel I will be ready to go back.

That's about it for now.  Sorry for the long absence of posts again.  I'll try to be better about updating.

The Healing Begins...

I know it's been an excruciatingly long time since my last update; for that I am profusely sorry.  A lot has been happening and I'll do my best to fill you all in.

Let's start with some of what I've been saying about the area in which I live first.  To say I don't like it here would be a huge understatement; I really don't feel like I belong here at all.  I don't connect with the community in any way, shape or form.  Furthermore, the area in which I live is very disconnected and there is no sense of community here at all; it's pretty much a "Look Out for Number One" kind of area and I hate that.  I need to feel like I belong in the area in which I live and I need to feel like I can find connections and friends here.  I feel pretty alone in my city right now.

I had a long talk with my boyfriend this last Saturday about my concerns.  He and I came to a compromise about our future situation:  we would stay in this city only long enough to make some money and build up a life for ourselves and then we would move out of the area.  This is wonderful since before he told me he wanted to stay here for the rest of his life; I'm very happy about this.

Secondly, I finally saw my APRN today (he is a mental health professional that fills the role of a psychiatrist) and he has ordered me a new medication that should help me with my mood swings I am experiencing right now.  What's even better is that the medication is specifically intended to help people who are coping with irritability that stems from depression; this is a huge part of my current mood situation so I am very excited to start on the medication.  Unfortunately, the samples he gave me are expired so I have to call the office back tomorrow and have them fax a prescription in to my pharmacy.  Oh, well.

Thirdly, I owe a huge apology to everybody at Everypony.  I haven't been very active lately because I've been coping with these two things along with my college schedule, which is still very busy and intensive right now.  You will see this update posted to the blog thread, of course; from here on out I'll try to stay active as I have been.

30 Days Hath September, April, June and...

November has come to a close.  I can say with all certainty that it has been one of the worst months of my life.  In the course of a month I have finally admitted to the fact that I have nothing going for me in the area in which I live. Having lost my best friend of 22 years along with no longer feeling comfortable with the local community has played a large part in this.  The general sociological environment of the city itself has sealed the deal.  In every way--from social to political to community structure to values--this city leaves me with nothing and I feel like I can no longer connect or identify with it.  While I still have my boyfriend, his family and a couple other people I know here, I know I have absolutely no future in my area.  I've been to Hell and back many times in regards to college, my social life and my feelings of self-worth; I've had just about enough.

However, on the other side of the coin, one of the best things to happen to me has happened this month.  I've discovered the Everypony community.  While I mourn what I have lost offline, I am eternally grateful for what I've found online.  They, along with my boyfriend, will give me the boost I need to keep moving forward and eventually find a career and area where I can actually feel like I belong.  Some day, I'll be able to post here about how great things are going in my life.  Until then, I want to thank everyone involved again for keeping me from losing all my sanity this November.

Father time continues to move forward; let's make December the great month of healing.

A Tough but Vital Decision

I've come to a very important decision that is a major shifting point in my transition.  I have decided to take an indefinite leave of absence from the local trans support group.  At this point, I believe that the group and I have come to a point where we need a good, solid break from each other for a while.  I will continue to attend gender therapy every week despite my absence at the group.  Being lonely isn't for me, of course; I'm not going to go through this without anybody by my side.  I've come to an extremely important decision about my supports; I know from experience where I can go to find what I need:

The Everypony Community

That's right.  This will likely come as a surprise to none of you at the community, but due to all the wonderful support and love you've all shown me, I've decided to fully become engaged in the community and with the members there.  I offer you all thanks once again for everything you've done.

I finally have a community I can truly call home.

Dark College Days

As some of you may know, this is my last year of college and I am currently in the nursing program here at St. Cloud Technical and Community College (SCTCC).  It's a very competitive program; it's hard to get into and is considered to be one of the best LPN programs in the area.  The program actually only lasts two semesters and I'm nearly done with my first semester.

While I am learning a lot here and doing well enough, the courses are very intensive and there is a great deal that is presented to us.  Alongside this, there is a great deal expected of us in return.  While the beginning of the semester was more lax on homework, as we got past the middle and now onto the end, the work is beginning to pile up and become excessive.  While I am keeping up with the work, it has been very difficult to keep myself going.

This is in addition to the fact that I'm having a rough time getting along with the other students now.  I've got a few people I am close with, but there are several people who constantly express annoyance at me.  To add to the stress, there was a student who decided to trick me at the registration for semester two's courses and tell me the wrong section; I am now slated for a completely different group of students than I had this semester.  This situation ended up so bad that I had to go to the Dean of Nursing here.  The student lied to her face, saying "I didn't try to trick her; I honestly didn't know about the other section until after I saw her."  The dean grilled her and tried to uncover this falsehood but the student said nothing more so nothing else could be done.

Finally, there's my social life otherwise.  Having lost my best friend of 22 years and finding myself all alone in a city where I didn't feel welcome to begin with does not make any of this any easier.  That, coupled along with all the emotional issues my hormones are giving me in the form of a "second puberty," is making college more difficult than it needs to be.

I will say this much:  I'm grateful that I have people to speak with every day about my life whom I can draw support from; life would be unbearable right now without them.  Thank you to everyone; you are all much loved and very appreciated!  I hope this post continues to help all of you understand what's happening in my life right now.

The Truth of Matty Jei

There's a lot that needs to be said and only one entry to say it.  My LiveJournal is getting some followers now (including some people I knew years ago when I was living a completely different lifestyle), so I find that now is the time to come forward with something.

I'll just say it outright:  I'm transsexual.  I'm male-to-female and am currently in the process of transitioning.  A little history for those who are not familiar with this:  transsexuals are people who desire to change their physical body from one sex to the other due to being born in a body that does not match their brain.  It is not a sexual orientation but rather a gender identity issue; being heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual or pansexual is a different matter entirely.  Some well-accepted scientific research states that the brain and the body, while interdependent, develop separately from each other.  Depending on circumstances, a child can be born with a male body but a female brain; in the other case, a child can be born with a female body and still have a male brain.  This affects how we see our gender, but not who we are attracted to.

I was born as a male but am currently in the process of transitioning to a female body (known as "Male-to-Female Transsexual" or "MtF").  I have been in the process since this last Summer when I started gender therapy, and am currently on hormones.  I do not plan to undergo surgery.  I have a female name (Matty Jei) that I desire to be called and I live life full-time as a female.  This is why I don't often come out as transsexual, but I've come to a point now where I feel I need to be honest and up-front about this.

To explain a little more:  gender therapy is when you go see a gender-specialized therapist to discuss options and how you want to handle the process of transitioning.  Hormones are the next step; that's when you take medications to change the hormones in your body from your natal sex to your desired sex.  Males and females both have specific hormones in their bodies that promote development of secondary sexual characteristics, affect mood and affect mental health.  The hormones are given in order to help change the physical appearance of the body and to provide some mental stability.  The third option is sex reassignment surgery, where one physically alters their genitals to look like those of the chosen sex.  Not everyone opts to do surgery for myriad reasons: it is very expensive and can provide complications.  Not everyone feels they need it to be complete and comfortable with themselves, either; that is the case where I am concerned.

I've recently posted a great deal of what I've posted here on a community called Everypony, where everybody has been extremely supportive, warm and caring.  Since several people from there are watching me here and some people I knew from years ago are also watching me here, I figured now was the time to come forward in my LiveJournal.  This process has been essential to my well-being, but it hasn't been easy.  I've struggled with loss of support from some people I know and I've dealt with a city that could really care less about people like myself.  However, I need to be honest and upfront and as I continue to move forward in life.

I'm elated for the supports I have; without them I would really be in a bad place.  My supports include my family, my boyfriend, the Everypony community and my gender therapist.  Thank you to each and every one of you.  To the rest of you:  I hope you can welcome this revelation with open arms, but if you find it difficult or if you are unable to accept it, I understand that as well.

Here's hoping for some responses.

Debuting "This Magical Life"

Wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it?  Now that I have some people who are dedicated to reading what I have to say, I figure now is as good a time as any to overhaul the theme and style of this LiveJournal and start thinking about content I can post here.

I've been to Hell and back more times than I can count in the past many months and I can safely say that this is a large part of why I haven't been posting here.  However, although I've lost a great deal and no longer feel welcome in the area where I live, I've found solace and support from some very unique, amazing sources.  With that, I owe a big thank you to Mihail K and to everyone else at the Everypony community; you have all given me the encouragement I need to keep going forward in life.  Friendship truly is magic and with all of you behind me perhaps my life can be magic as well; my new blog title reflects this.

Expect some updates in the very near future.
Well, here's the first part:

Questions 0001-0100Collapse )
I'm actually going to attempt it...again!

I'm going to attempt to answer the "5000 Question Survey" once again.  The version I am using is linked to above.  This time, a bit of positive news:  I learned how to do LiveJournal Cuts, so I won't be bogging down the pages of my friends with all sorts of content; you can choose to click it or not.

~Matty J.

Technological Black Hole

I was speaking with someone on instant messenger today, and I had to leave the computer for a while.  I told them I’d be right back, and then I came back later, telling them I was back.  I got absolutely no response, and then, without warning, they logged out.  Now, one might think that this was an error in their internet, but it’s not.  As much as I like this person, they have a nasty habit of leaving the computer or logging out without so much as breathing a “good bye.”

This seems to be a huge problem all over the internet nowadays.  People seem to have lost the ability to greet each other.  I don’t know if it’s some new kind of cyberspace social norm, or if it’s just that the new generation of computer users are extremely self-absorbed, or a combination of both.  Regardless of what it is, I despise it.  I have a number of contacts whom I really like, but rarely speak with due to the fact that they never use greetings.  In fact, I only speak with two people regularly who are like this, and one of them has gotten a lot better about greetings after I mentioned to him how much it bothers me that I never hear him say “good bye.”  There was one person I actually had to block who never used greetings at all.  This is not the main reason I blocked him, but it didn’t help anything.  He would open a conversation by saying something like “look at this lol,” and say good bye by saying nothing at all.

This brings me to my next point:  text speak.  When did we decide, as computer users, that we were going to become lazy and not type proper English so we can be easily understood by each other?  Emoticons I understand; the internet is without facial expressions or body language, and emoticons are a mediocre yet acceptable way to compensate for that, but text speak?  There’s nothing I hate more than seeing people who seem to know nothing except “lol,” “brb,” “omg,” “derp,” etcetera.  If I missed a great number of examples in the last sentence, it’s because I purposely type in proper English with proper conventions and grammar; I do not know how to use text speak properly.  How you see me type here is how I will type in an instant messenger.

I guess the whole point of this is to express my distaste at how asocial and full of garbage the internet has become over the years.  The internet is full of people who mostly post a bunch of inane lies that have not been researched.  They post this drivel in the worst English imaginable, and shortcut their way out of words like “laughing” with “lol.”  When you try to talk with these people about their opinions, they won’t use greetings, and have very little capacity for critical thought; they cannot back up a single thing they say.

I’m depressed over the changes I’ve seen in the way people communicate nowadays.  People send text messages to each other…when they are sitting right next to each other!  What is up with that?!  It’s an abomination to communication and socialization.  People would rather turn up the iPod and ignore everyone else in a room when they are at social gatherings or with their family, and if someone has a laptop in front of them, you can bet they will be tuned out to everything else around them.  People will answer their cell phones while they are in class.  I was once told by a friend of mine about a couple he saw at a local restaurant, where they did nothing but speak with other people on their cell phones all throughout their meal, and didn’t breathe a word to each other at all.

When I first got into computers and technology when I was very little, I thought to myself, “wow, these things are going to change the world!  We’re going to be able to communicate with each other like never before!”  I thought that this would be a positive thing, but over the past ten years, I’ve seen all these things, and now I realize that while I was right about the technology changing the way we communicate, it’s the most atrocious change I could possibly imagine.  It’s completely depersonalized the social experience; it seems that all I can do now is wait for a day when we will no longer even desire to be in rooms with each other anymore, and that thought depresses and infuriates me so much that I decided to write this and post it.

Enjoy your technological black hole.

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December 2011


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